Loved - A Novel Read online

  Chase and I continued the occasional emails, usually punishing each other for our own failures. I told him over and over about the plans I had and the new bands I liked that made me more like him. He was sarcastic and self-deprecating and I felt guilty for making him that way, though I wondered, was it entirely my fault? I couldn’t get my head around the idea that Chase wasn’t the one but I kept trying to meet others, knowing that if he wasn’t then someone else was bound to be.

  Still he kept writing to me.

  Jan 18, 2004 “The Memory of the Fish”

  Hello. How are you doing? I’m ok. I’m lying. I’m actually pretty depressed and I don’t know why. Perhaps I’m just lonely and I wish there was a girl in my life, or maybe I just hate school, who knows. I apologize, Kit, I realize none of this is your fault. I hope things in L.A. are glitzy and exciting. Don’t spend ALL your time schmoozing with the stars. I wish I could use that word more in conversation...schmoozing.

  Anyway, take care of yourself. Stay happy and beautiful.

  Take pains, be perfect -Shakespeare.

  Chase

  June, 2004.

  After Belmont West was over, I spent three weeks or so in P.A. because I was about to graduate college and would soon join the work force in one way or another. I wanted to spend some quality time with friends and family who I didn’t get to see me very often.

  I planned my time at home to include the Dave Matthews Band show at which I had had so much fun the year before. Meredith and I went to the campgrounds with our other girlfriends from high school to set up the tent. Actually, the girls sat and chatted while the guys set up both tents. The year before, we had waited until after the concert to set up camp, but it was dark and we were drunk and it was a complete disaster. This year we knew better.

  Once we got to the amphitheater, there was less time to tailgate than usual but we had enough time to get a decent buzz. I wore dark Seven A-Pocket jeans and a hot pink tank top. We were able to find some of the other Westville people including Jeff Meyers just before the band started. Meredith and Rachel left to get more beers from the overpriced concession stands, and the rest of us talked and swayed and sang along. I was ignoring Jeff as I was not going to keep trying to flirt with him forever.

  Eventually, I caught his eye and said “hi,” but left it at that. He had grown a beard and cut his dark hair short, making him look even more striking than ever. I smiled to myself.

  “You should really do something about that,” one of the girls, Amy, said to me, referring to Jeff.

  “I am done wishing for that,” I said. “It’s just never going to happen.”

  “I don’t know,” Amy argued. “Maybe you just need to make a move.”

  Amy had dated Jeff in high school and had nothing good to say about him as a boyfriend, but they had managed to stay friends and she never criticized my crush.

  “Well, if I were to make a move exactly how would I do that?” I asked.

  “Just grab him and start dancing!”

  It sounded insane but what else was I supposed to do? Meredith wasn’t back yet to give me her advice. What is taking them so long? Hmm. Maybe...

  I turned and smiled at Jeff; then I reached out my hand and said, “Come here!”

  He smiled and came over to me. I was standing about three steps down the hill. He could tell that I wasn’t trying to have a chat. He put his arm around my waist, resting his hand on my lower back and we swayed our hips to the music. I reached up and put my arms around him and he pulled me closer. I glanced at Amy and she was smiling.

  Jeff kissed my neck and then kissed me on the lips. My mind went completely blank. I was lost in the moment, the music and the deep slow kiss. When I finally came out of it, Meredith was standing next to me, holding her beer. I laughed. I knew I would have to explain later, but at that moment, there was no way I was letting go of him.

  We danced and kissed through the entire show. Jeff got increasingly drunk and he would stumble down the hill a little and I would hold on to him to keep him from falling. We would laugh.

  “Where are you sleeping tonight?” he asked.

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “You should stay with me.”

  “We’ll see,” I said. I wasn’t considering turning him down, I just didn’t believe he was seriously inviting me.

  It took us forever to get back to the cars after the show. We were all hopelessly drunk on alcohol and euphoria. Once we finally found the cars, we were in no hurry to leave. The traffic was barely moving to get out of the parking lot anyway.

  The guys had a bottle of Jagermeister in their trunk. We took turns taking swigs straight from the bottle. I always thought Jager would be hard to get down but it wasn’t. It tasted like black licorice, which I didn’t like but at least it didn’t taste like the ridiculously strong alcohol it is.

  There were too many of us to sit normally in the car, so I sat on Jeff’s lap, sideways, so I could turn and see him. I was still smiling, staring into his dark eyes. It was then that I was able to take a few minutes to realize that I had kissed Jeff Meyers, and that he had asked me repeatedly to stay with him that night. I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I didn’t care that we were drunk. All I wanted with him was a moment.

  When we got to the campground, we started a fire and got out the snacks; no one was tired yet. We were all completely amped. Some people got marshmallows out and held them over the fire on metal sticks. When I went to sit on the table, I put my hands behind me to pull myself up and accidentally rested one of my hands directly on a hot metal stick. I heard my hand sizzle first and then I felt it. I was too drunk to react quickly and by the time I finally moved my hand there was a decent burn on my palm at the base of my thumb. Some of Jeff’s friends had seen it happen. I was so embarrassed but I assured them that I was fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. Really, it hurt so badly I knew that I would cry in a matter of seconds.

  “Come on,” Jeff said. He took my good hand and walked me across the dirt path to where his Jeep was parked. I wondered if anyone had ointment or a bandage or something. Jeff had a pipe and some pot. Well, that might help, I thought. We each took only a hit and Jeff said, “Come on, let’s go find somewhere else.” I buckled my seatbelt even though I knew we were only driving around the campground. It was dark and we were in no state to drive. I even had visions of us careening off a steep hill, hitting every tree as we rolled down.

  He drove around for a few minutes until we were lost. Finally, we found an empty camp spot and parked the Jeep.

  “We can sleep here.”

  Jeff put the seats down in the back and laid out some blankets, making a bed. We climbed in.

  My memory went as dark as the summer night’s sky.

  The next morning when I woke, it took me a few minutes to figure out where I was. Then I remembered: the concert, Jeff, kissing, Jager in the parking lot, campgrounds, Jeep...Oh. My. Gosh.

  My eyes flew open. There he was, next to me.

  Jeff stirred.

  “Hey,” he said, pulling me close to him. “That was fun, we’ll have to do it again sometime when I’m not so drunk and I can enjoy it more.”

  I was too shocked to respond in decipherable English.

  We stretched our cramped legs, stiff from sleeping in such a small space, and climbed to the front. SUVs may have ample cargo space but they are not better than a tent.

  “Great, now we have to find where everyone else is,” Jeff said. Of course neither of us remembered exactly how we got to where we were.

  He backed the jeep out of our spot and drove about thirty feet before we noticed a few familiar cars and some early risers we recognized a few camp spots down. All that driving and we had somehow managed to sleep at a neighboring camp spot. Meredith had to be up and back to her house early that morning so Jeff and Jesse drove me back to her place. We got on the highway and Jeff turned on the stereo. He had an Incubus CD in.

  “I love Incubus,” I said. “A friend of m
ine is their tour manager.”

  “No way,” Jesse said.

  “That’s awesome. I can’t imagine meeting famous people like you do,” Jeff added.

  “Yeah, they’re playing in Nashville again this fall. You guys should come down for the show.” I have a habit of inviting people to do everything. Sometimes I need to just shut up.

  “Oh my gosh, that would be awesome,” Jeff said. “What do you do that you get to meet all of these people? I mean, I know you’re in music somehow.”

  “Um, I just finished up a semester in L.A. doing music supervision for a film studio, which is choosing music for movies, and getting all the proper licenses and stuff. Now I’m about to graduate and I’ll be back and forth between L.A. and Nashville this summer.” It was true, after my time at home I was going back to L.A. to find a job and an apartment, then I would be in Nashville again in August for graduation.

  “That’s so cool,” Jeff said.

  “You’re in Ohio, right?” I asked Jeff. “How’s that going?”

  He had changed his major to history.

  I found it amazing that all the years I had had such a crush on him, and yet we knew very little about each other. I asked Jeff and Jesse both questions about their schools, their lives and I told them some more of my own stories, trying to fit the best stuff into one car ride without sounding like a name dropper.

  We eventually made it to Meredith’s house. I thanked her for not minding that I didn’t stay with her or ride home with her.

  “I would never stand in the way of that!” she said. “Now, tell me all about it!”

  I told her what I could remember and we laughed about how she had made her way back to us at the concert to find Dave’s tongue down my throat.

  “Ims,” she giggled, using her special nickname for me, “I had no warning at all!”

  I remembered my burnt hand. Meredith offered me some ointment and a bandage but it didn’t hurt very badly and I decided I wouldn’t mind if it scarred so I passed on her offer. I could use a permanent memory of that evening.

  The next day I drove to Westville. Chase and I had emailed a few times while I was in L.A. but things were really weird with us. We both admitted that we still had feelings for each other but he was either cruel or cold most of the time.

  I figured I deserved it, although the worst I had ever done to him was break up with him. Twice. The desire to be with him fueled many of my decisions. I wanted so badly for him to be in love with me again, though I believed he still was deep down. Although his I’m so happy for you statements were dripping with sarcasm, I thought he strived to impress me too, in his own way.

  I got ready to go to his house with great care. I wore a little blue Jim Morrison t-shirt, my dark A-pocket jeans, and white pointy-toed heels. Rock and Roll. I scrunched my long blonde hair so it looked like I had beach waves. California girl.

  I was so nervous when I knocked on his door. He answered and I walked into his wonderland, the rabbits and the birds all saying hello, welcome home.

  His mom was there and she asked me all about school and California. I could tell by her questions that Chase had been talking to her a lot about me. Could it be that he was proud and not just angry?

  We talked for hours. We did end up lying down on the bed and watching part of a movie but he never touched me except for hugging me hello and goodbye, and I didn’t stay very late. These last few visits we had both been so hesitant with every movement and every word, like if we touched each other we might turn to dust, like if we talked about our feelings we might spontaneously combust.

  July, 2004.

  It was almost time to graduate college and move to L.A. and I couldn’t wait! I may not have had the celeb-studded pool and all the free time like I had at Belmont West, but I preferred to be busy anyway. I would be working and making a name for myself doing something like managing bands. I would find some new friends and settle into a small but charming apartment. I imagined that I would wear sweet colorful A-line skirts and tanks and carry a Louis Vuitton, spending weekends on the beach riding bikes and getting a tan. First, I had to focus on my last two classes before my new life could start.

  Because I was only going to be in Nashville for a month, I stayed with Lacey and her roommates instead of getting an apartment. When no one else was home, I would sing Julie Roberts’ songs. Oh the things lovers do when it’s over. Oh the things lovers do when it’s done. Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder, wake up older and try to move on. I sang to the bathroom mirror, an earphone in one ear while the other dangled below my shoulder.

  My car was still in L.A. so I had to walk everywhere or get a ride. I felt stranded. It was too hot to walk anywhere.; every day was over a hundred degrees. Kyle and Ethan were living in a house across the street from Belmont and I went over to visit a few times. I hung out with Lacey and her roommates a little bit. They were really great Christian women and I wanted to be more like them. I wanted to feel like I was really a part of their group but no matter how nice they were to me I knew I would always be an outsider. When I compared myself to them I felt so dirty and damaged. They had a way of making me feel lucky to be around them. I studied their clothes and their vocabulary. When I first became friends with Lacey, she taught me which brands of jeans I should be wearing and when I got my first $170 pair of Paper Denim and Cloth jeans, they all joked, “You’re in the club now!” But I wasn’t, really, and I wasn’t in Ethan and Kyle’s club either for that matter.

  One day I called Anna to let her know I was back in Nashville, and she invited me to come out to her new boyfriend’s pool about twenty minutes outside of town. She was already out there so she asked a friend that she worked with at Starbucks, Sophie, to pick me up on her way out there. Sophie was also from the Pittsburgh area and Anna was excited for us to meet. She told me Sophie would be there to get me at 11:00. I got my suit on and packed a beach bag, and then I waited outside until a little black car pulled up.

  “Hi,” she said. “You must be Kim?”

  She had shoulder length light brown hair and tanned, olive skin. She was tiny with cheekbones to envy and eyes the color of burnt honey. I told her where I was from and that I was about to graduate. She told me that she still had one year left as a commercial voice major. Everyone’s a singer, I thought. But she had Julie Roberts’ CD playing so at least she had taste.

  It was great to see Anna and it turned out that Sophie and I had a lot in common. We talked about home and we talked about boys. She seemed to say whatever she thought without concern for what I might think. Whether she was self-assured or just honest I didn’t know but I found it refreshing. She was funny and she reacted to what I would say in a way that made me feel heard. She was smart and interesting and I think she thought I was too. Maybe Sophie and I are in the same club, I thought.

  The first week of July I flew back to L.A. It was great to have my car again but I still didn’t have a job or an apartment. Well, I kind of had a job. The movie studio had agreed to take me on as a temp; they would call me on days when they needed my help in various departments. The first few days I was in L.A., I had nothing to do so I spent money that I didn’t have at the Beverly Center Mall and watched a lot of movies at the house where I was staying on a previous Belmont West girl’s couch. She lived in a one-room pool house off Pico Boulevard at a house with no pool.

  Finally, the movie studio called and said they needed me the next day to fill in for the VP’s assistant. Well, that’s one way to start, I thought. I was only slightly nervous to be filling such big shoes. Luckily, it wasn’t a day when anything major was happening. I answered the phone and took messages or let her know what or when her next appointment was. I thought it was very exciting to see the idea boards that documented who might play the leads in upcoming films. There was a different air on this floor compared with the music supervision department where I’d interned. Music people are super laid back but everything had a feeling of importance here. I couldn’t decide if I liked the
high-pressure environment or the laid-back atmosphere better.

  The president’s assistant sat in a cubicle next to mine, where I could only see the top of his head over the cubicle wall. We talked a little bit over the office IM. He told me he played a small role in Cruel Intentions II, which I never saw. Everyone in Nashville is a singer. Everyone in LA is an actor. What am I?

  I tossed and turned again on the couch that night. It was hot but that didn’t matter. I would have been awake anyway. Something had been off ever since I got back to L.A., but I had no other plan. I have nowhere to go. Nashville? What would I do in Nashville? I turned over again and wrestled with the blanket, kicking it off one leg. If I were to be working at the movie studio or anywhere, I would be working very, very hard with long hours, high stress and very little free time; it would be a while before I was even in a position that I enjoyed. Would I love this work or this town enough for it to be worth it? I was afraid that I didn’t. I couldn’t afford to live here if I worked in retail. I didn’t have a lot of friends in the city. The only real friends I had made at Belmont West were either back in Nashville or south of L.A., in Huntington Beach or in San Diego.

  My mind continued to spin: The extra twenty pounds I’d gained had me feeling insecure, traffic in L.A. was ridiculous, I kept getting parking tickets because I didn’t understand the parking signs and everything was so expensive. I was beginning to hate the city, which surprised me. Finally I fell into a hot, restless sleep.

  I woke up the next morning and called Anna in Nashville. She had mentioned that she wanted to move to an apartment in the complex where her boyfriend lived, where we had gone swimming with Sophie. Apartments in that area were affordable on any budget. I could work a retail job in Nashville and still pay my bills until I figured out where to start to get to where I wanted to be. I had friends there who wanted me around. Anna was thrilled when I told her that I was considering coming back and living with her.